So, to recap from the first post, someone had asked me when I was going to get married, I was caught off guard and skirted the question with a vague remark. And then I offered a take on my “situation” that I thought at first was truthful:

“You know, right now, since I just started living on my own, I’m actually too busy learning to take care of myself to think about settling down … so getting into a relationship is not really the most immediate thing on my mind. There’s no pressure for me to get married, only if I want kids, and I’ve made peace with the fact that I might never have kids. So if I meet the right guy, that’s great, if not, then that’s also fine with me. I’ve got a great network of friends. Also, I’m really lucky to have a family that doesn’t pressure me about this stuff.”

This little speech of mine painted a picture that I would be equally fine with either staying single or being married. I wanted to believe that I was THAT flexible, THAT half-glass-full of a person to make the most of whatever comes my way.

I had an epiphany not long after, around early March. While unpacking my books and sorting them out by subject, I noticed that I had an inordinate amount of books on relationships, marriage, sex, raising children, and family. These filled up an entire shelf of my bookcase. Also, some of my books reminded me that I had taken a marriage course at Regent College with Mark Davies a few years back. Gee, I sure spent a lot of money and time on these topics!

So, the lightbulb went on: OBVIOUSLY I want to get married and have a family! I was being such a Buddhist about it (i.e. denying my desires). By how I invested myself through these books, the course, and even in getting counselling, I definitely exhibited a preference to getting married than staying single. Who was I kidding, in trying to express an equally open acceptance to either status?! Silly me, Trix are for kids.

It hit me hard when I made this realization. It forced me to admit that I wasn’t anywhere close to getting what I want. I had no plan, no prospects, no readily available network to tap into to meet guys. Not one to sit around and whine about my lack of opportunity and possibility, I started strategizing how I would meet more men.

To be continued!

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