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After two days of fever, I think the worst of the flu is over. Although I’m still coughing and sneezing, whatever has been locked up in my chest is finally moving up into my head and out. At first, I was worried that my health was regressing when fever suddenly appeared after two weeks of being sick, but now, I realize it was a sign that my body was making a concerted effort to rid itself of invasive agents, once and for all. Pow pow! My body is exhausted though, so I am staying home a third day to make sure I stay on the road to recovery. This has been one nasty, nasty strain of flu to battle.

I am thankful for my parents and friends, who have helped me cope by giving me healthy food, carting me around, and even keeping my living space clean. Something to file in my mind to “pass it on.”

I’m suffering an unusual amount of internal pain these days, both physically and emotionally. I’ve been sick for about 2 weeks now … can’t seem to rid myself of this persistent cough. Also, I am living through some pretty big changes in my life. My workplace has been Head-less since late April, and the congregation I’m part of has recently become pastor-less. Both of these situations means more work for me which, I suppose, is only a natural consequence of change, and of course, duty calls. But I also sense the spirit of resentment creeping up on me because much of what I am doing these days feels merely like maintenance, rather than working towards a vision. These days, I am unsure of what my life is about, how best to direct my time and energy, and why I do what I do. Somehow, I seem to have lost focus or purpose in my life.

Not a fun place to be for a person who likes to have a reason for everything. God help me.

I’ve been sick the entire week beginning last weekend. Came down with a sore throat, which has developed into a persistent cough. Getting sick is not a surprise to me, because I was really worn out from my trip. In fact, I noticed some lymph nodes swelling up during my last few days in NYC. My doctor couldn’t really tell what was wrong with me … he just put me on some antibiotics and sent me in for some blood work. Went back to work for a couple days, but by Thursday, it became clear to me that I was getting worse, not better, so I went home early and then took yesterday off to rest properly.

Hence, I’ve been doing a lot of reading, lying down, because I notice that I have fewer coughing fits on my back. Finished The Namesake this morning, and now moving onto Volume 7 of the Tin Tin 3 Complete Adventures in 1 Volume series.

During my time in NYC, I managed to squeeze in a visit to The Strand, an pretty amazing secondhand bookstore. Picked up the two books mentioned earlier, as well as Mark Bittman’s highly readable How to Cook Everything. I was so excited to see the Strand carry all of the Tin Tin volumes at very discounted prices (I have only vols. 3 and 4 at home), but reality set in very quickly regarding how little room remained in my luggage, so I disciplined myself into choosing just one to bring home. Also, at the time, I couldn’t remember which volumes I owned, so it was good to play it safe and pick the one I was absolutely sure I didn’t have yet.

Anyways, after I complete this editing job over a modest meal of noodles and fishballs, I will get to fully absorb myself in the world of Tin Tin. It is a way of “being kind” to myself, which the Spirit is exhorting me to do in these uncertain times.

In my slow recovery from a nasty bout of flu, I haven’t had much of a life lately. Nor have I had much inclination to think about “stuff.” It feels as though my mind has been burnt out, wiped clean, reformatted by the days of low-grade fever I had to endure last week. Couldn’t focus even to read or watch TV. The one thing that kept me entertained and feeling somewhat useful without too much brain power was knitting up a couple scarves. It’s weird to take a long extended break from being cerebral. But I think it’s not an entirely bad experience altogether, that is, to get out of my head. Sick as I was, I still quite enjoyed making something lovely and beautiful with my hands.

But I AM feeling a lack of closure from 2006 and somewhat (fearfully) unprepared for this new year. Don’t know what to expect, but my intuition tells me that it’s going to big, there are going to be soul-shaking changes at personal, local, and global levels. Also, I haven’t given much thought about what I want to accomplish, but a few ideas are starting to emerge from the ball of shapeless chaos in my head.

Can’t make out what God is saying to me. Too much (largely self-induced) noise and clutter going on around me, distracting me from His calling. I think I am afraid to listen.

Woe is me. I am a sorry sight to behold these days.

Have been down with the flu since Monday and things aren’t getting any better. Have almost been non-stop feverish, nothing alarmingly high, but a chronic fever means that my body is still battling this most tenacious virus. Visited the doctor today and he recommends that I not go to work tomorrow AND Friday.

I imagine I became vulnerable to the flu after having recently come back from a retreat where 1) I slept poorly ; 2) it took us 9 physically arduous hours to reach (should only have been a 3 hour trek) ; 3) I didn’t drink enough water.

On top of this, I can’t get around very well because my right ankle is very swollen. It looks like a sprain, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t do anything to physically injure it. Actually, it has been sore for almost a couple weeks now and recently I noticed an sudden increase in swelling and redness. Doctor says I might have gout. Have to go back to see him in a couple weeks to get some blood work done. In the meantime, he’s prescribed me a schedule of Advil to help me cope with it. I sure hope I don’t have gout. It would mean I have to be more careful about what I eat. My mind doth protests, “But I’m too young for this!”

My friends and family have been incredibly caring, giving me rides and food so I don’t have to limp around too, too much.

I wonder what the rest of 2007 will bring.

Depending on how much I have left over after my trip to New York next May, I may take surfing lessons next summer. Naturally, one of my goals to achieve by then, in addition to becoming a stronger swimmer, is to feel good about my body type. So, what I need to work on is putting on more healthy weight. Not only will I feel better about my body, but more importantly, I will be stronger overall. Now that I’m living on my own, I need to do more chores that require upper body strength, but I am wary of being injured (and frustrated) if I attempt to do something I’m not strong enough to do. Also, I’ve been struggling on and off with back problems that I know can be curbed by strengthening core muscles.

In general, I want to keep fit. I need to keep fit. It’s a matter of survival.

So, since spring up until lately, I was running pretty regularly. Over the summer, I got into a calisthenics routine, figuring that I should at least carry my own weight (and inspired by Gwen Stefani). Recently, to build more muscle, I acquired some heavier free weights and resistance bands. And I’ve been eating like a pig.

Unfortunately, my exercise routine has been off track for a few weeks now, disrupted by a cold, a strained neck, and the miserable weather. I’ve lost some momentum on staying disciplined, and have had some trouble getting out of the inertia.

The recent spark of motivation, however, is the thought of snowboarding, which I’m hoping to do at least twice this winter. Being tired after a few hours of riding is SUCH a waste of a lift ticket, and I am determined not to let that happen.

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